Thankful, Not Perfect
Thankful, Not Perfect: How to Navigate Family Stress Together This Holiday Season
The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, connection, and gratitude but for many couples, they also bring stress, exhaustion, and emotional tension. Between family expectations, travel plans, finances, and packed schedules, it’s easy to feel more overwhelmed than thankful.
If you and your partner often find yourselves arguing more during the holidays, you’re not alone. But this season, what if you approached things differently? What if instead of striving for a perfect holiday, you worked together to create a peaceful one?
Why the Holidays Can Be So Hard on Relationships
The holidays tend to magnify whatever dynamics already exist in a relationship. If you and your partner communicate well, the season can bring you even closer. But if there are underlying tensions, unspoken resentments, or differences in priorities, the stress of the season can make them louder.
Common stressors include:
Balancing time between families
Managing financial expectations around gifts or travel
Handling critical or demanding relatives
Navigating differences in traditions or religious practices
Feeling disconnected or unsupported during the chaos
All of these pressures can leave couples feeling like they’re on opposite teams instead of the same one.
The Shift: From “Perfect” to “Present”
One of the biggest sources of stress during the holidays comes from unrealistic expectations, the picture-perfect version of togetherness that social media and movies portray.
But real connection doesn’t come from the flawless dinner, the ideal family photo, or the perfect gift. It comes from presence, slowing down long enough to be attuned to yourself and your partner, even when things don’t go as planned.
Being “thankful, not perfect” means letting go of the performance and focusing on the moments that actually matter.
How to Navigate Holiday Stress Together
1. Set Shared Intentions Before the Season Begins
Take time now before the calendar fills up to talk about what truly matters to each of you this year. Ask questions like:
What makes the holidays feel meaningful to you?
What are your biggest stress triggers?
What would a “good holiday” actually look and feel like for us?
Creating shared intentions helps you align your priorities as a couple. When you’re on the same page, you can support each other instead of reacting against one another when things get stressful.
2. Practice “We” Thinking
When challenges come up, whether it’s a family disagreement, a scheduling conflict, or an overfull to-do list…remember that you’re on the same team.
Shift your mindset from me versus you to us versus the problem.
This small shift can change the energy completely. Instead of saying,
“You always make the holidays stressful,”
try,
“We’re both feeling overwhelmed, how can we make this easier together?”
Collaborating instead of blaming builds trust and emotional safety.
3. Set and Honor Boundaries Together
Boundaries are one of the healthiest gifts you can give yourselves as a couple.
That might mean limiting how long you stay at a family gathering, setting a budget for gifts, or agreeing to spend one evening at home between events. Boundaries are not about shutting people out — they’re about protecting your peace and your partnership.
When couples agree on boundaries together, it prevents resentment later. It also signals that your relationship is the priority, not the performance of the holiday.
4. Protect Time for Each Other
The holidays fill up fast. Between work parties, family visits, and travel, it’s easy for one-on-one time to disappear completely.
Make it a priority to carve out small, intentional moments of connection. This could be:
A nightly check-in after the kids are asleep
A quiet morning coffee together before the day begins
A walk around the neighborhood after dinner
These moments of presence keep you grounded in what truly matters — the bond you share.
Gratitude Over Perfection
At its core, Thanksgiving and the holiday season are about gratitude, not performance. Gratitude for what you’ve built together, for how you’ve weathered challenges, and for the love that exists even in imperfect moments.
When couples let go of the need to make everything perfect, they often find that what remains is exactly what they were seeking all along: closeness, connection, and calm.
This Halloween, Try a Different Kind of Costume Change
Halloween invites us to play with identity — to dress up, to explore, to pretend. But maybe this year, the most powerful costume change isn’t about putting something on. Maybe it’s about taking something off.
The next time you find yourself reaching for a mask — whether it’s control, silence, or the illusion of “I’m fine” — pause and ask yourself:
What would it feel like to let myself be seen right now?
Because the real magic in relationships doesn’t come from pretending. It comes from presence. It comes from allowing your partner to see not just who you show the world, but who you are beneath the mask.As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Grants MS, LMFT
