Self-love Beyond Valentine’s Day
Self-love Beyond Valentine’s Day
When we hear the phrase self-love, it’s often reduced to bubble baths, affirmations, or treating yourself.
While those things can be part of it, true self-love runs much deeper. At its core, self-love is the relationship you have with yourself, how you respond to your pain, and how worthy you believe you are of care, rest, and compassion.
For many people, self-love is not intuitive.
Some never experienced consistent love, safety, or emotional attunement growing up, so there was no blueprint for how to offer that to themselves. Others learned early on that love was conditional based on performance, pleasing others, staying quiet, or not being “too much.” Over time, this can turn into an internal belief that love must be earned rather than something we inherently deserve.
Life experiences can reinforce this further. Trauma, chronic stress, attachment wounds, or repeated disappointments may lead us to be overly critical of ourselves. We may default to self- blame, perfectionism, or emotional shutdown to survive. For some, a freeze or fawn response develops, in which staying safe means focusing on others’ needs while disconnecting from their own. In these cases, self-love isn’t about motivation or willpower; it’s about unlearning survival strategies that once made sense.
What Self-Love Actually Looks Like
Self-love is not selfishness or arrogance. It doesn’t mean ignoring responsibility or avoiding growth. Instead, it means meeting yourself with honesty and kindness. It’s the ability to hold your struggles without shaming yourself for having them. It’s recognizing that your worth is not defined by productivity, appearance, or how much you do for others.
Self-love can look like:
Allowing yourself to rest without guilt
Setting boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable
Speaking to yourself the way you would speak to someone you care about
Acknowledging pain instead of minimizing it
Choosing support instead of pushing through alone
If self-love feels difficult or unfamiliar, there is nothing wrong with you. These responses often come from experiences in which care, consistency, or safety were missing. Healing is not about forcing yourself to “love yourself more,” but about lovingly building trust with yourself over time.
In this season, instead of focusing solely on romantic love, consider turning inward with curiosity and compassion. Self-love is not about perfection-it’s about showing up for yourself, especially in the moments you feel least deserving.
If you’re struggling with self-worth attachment wounds or the lasting impact of trauma, therapy can help you reconnect with yourself in a way that feels supportive and sustainable. You don’t have to do this alone.
If you feel that professional help could benefit yourself and your life, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact us for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling life.
Written By: Keron Shand MSW, RCSWI
