The Gift of Reconnection
Repair Attempts: The Gift of Reconnection This Holiday Season
As Christmas approaches, many couples find themselves feeling both grateful and stretched thin. The holidays can bring joy and laughter, but they can also bring stress, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnect. Between family gatherings, travel plans, and high expectations, it is easy for even the most loving couples to feel distant or tense.
If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. Every relationship experiences moments of rupture — times when one partner feels hurt, unheard, or unseen. What matters most is not avoiding those moments but knowing how to repair them.
This Christmas, one of the most meaningful gifts you can give your relationship is the willingness to repair and reconnect.
What Is a Repair Attempt?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, researchers who have studied relationships for decades, describe repair attempts as any action or phrase that helps de-escalate tension and bring emotional safety back after a conflict.
Repair attempts are not about pretending nothing happened. They are about reaching for one another when things feel off track. They are small bridges that say, “I still care about us,” even when you are frustrated or hurt.
A repair attempt can sound like:
“Can we start over?”
“I’m sorry for how I said that.”
“I know this matters to you.”
“Let’s take a break and come back to this.”
It can also look like a gentle touch, a small smile, or humor used with care.
Why Repair Attempts Matter
In every relationship, conflict is inevitable. What separates couples who stay close from those who drift apart is not the amount of conflict but the ability to repair after it happens.
Repair attempts build trust and emotional safety. They tell your partner that even when you disagree, the relationship is more important than the argument. Over time, they create resilience. You begin to trust that disagreements do not mean disconnection — they are simply part of the process of being human together.
How to Offer a Repair Attempt
1. Slow Down and Breathe
Before you can reach out, take a moment to calm your own nervous system. A few deep breaths can help you approach your partner from a place of openness rather than defense.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Part
Even if the conflict feels mutual, try to own your contribution. Simple phrases like, “I was too sharp earlier” or “I got defensive and I’m sorry” can create powerful shifts in energy.
3. Express Care and Reassurance
Let your partner know that the relationship matters more than being right. You might say, “I love you and I do not want this argument to come between us.”
4. Stay Open When Your Partner Reaches Out
Sometimes a repair attempt does not come in words. It might be a small gesture or a softer tone. When your partner reaches out, try to receive it. Accepting a repair attempt helps both people feel safe enough to reconnect.
Making Repair a Holiday Practice
The holidays can amplify emotions. Family stress, fatigue, and unmet expectations can make communication harder than usual. But they also offer opportunities to practice repair with warmth and empathy.
When you notice tension, pause before reacting. Remember that both of you are likely feeling the weight of the season. Reaching out with kindness can transform frustration into closeness.
Repair is not about perfection. It is about intention. Each small attempt to turn toward one another reinforces the bond that holds your relationship steady.
As you move through this holiday week, remember that love is not measured by how few conflicts you have but by how willing you are to repair when they happen.
A genuine apology, a gentle word, or a shared laugh can heal more than you might realize.
This Christmas, let repair be your gift…the gift of reconnection, understanding, and renewed closeness.
If you and your partner often feel stuck after conflict, couples therapy can help. Together, we can explore how to use repair attempts effectively so both partners feel safe, heard, and valued. Reach out today to begin your journey toward healing and connection.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Grants MS, LMFT
